when all else fails, float

Morning’s blue light moments touch my soul. It’s magical. And it’s in those few moments that I collect my surroundings & wish with every fiber I could hear that stream of music once again, swirl in the stars above.

***

I dream.

And for whatever it’s worth, it’s worth that escape. Floating down a stream, laid back & at peace. I was being led by three dolphins – jumping once in unison – a well orchestrated sign. For a moment, I panic. Knowing they are what they are, the surfaced fins still look shark-like. I throw my feet above my body, soon lowering slowly, waking back into the cool stream.

There’s a bend ahead. A tunnel to pass through. Light dims but I’m still not afraid. Though my raft is half sunk, they’re taking me somewhere & that comforts me. Fins lower in the smooth water. The waterfall draws near. Slowly I turn, outstretched to the night sky & smiling. I’m going over. I’m about to fall.

Looking up, I see the most gorgeous display of stars. Constellations abound. As I’m falling so the pointed lights drift farther away. Music swirls through my existence. My heart overflows. I feel my body splash down but wake not a moment later.

***

When I have such sweet melodies soar, I so regret not being able to capture them & bring to existence. Ah well. I’ll have to wait once again for that pleasure. Sooo, when I have these insights, I can’t help but look up meanings on my trusty online dream dictionary. Here’s what I found:

To see a dolphin in your dream, symbolizes spiritual guidance, your intellect, mental attributes and emotional trust. Utilize your mind to its capacity and you will move upward in life. Alternatively, it suggests that a line of communication has been established between the conscious and unconscious aspects of yourself. Dolphins represent your willingness and ability to explore and navigate through your emotions.

Three signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy, and self-exploration. Three stands for trilogy as in the past, present, and future or father, mother, and child, etc

To see a clear and calm river in your dream, indicates that you are allowing your life to float away or that you are just going with the flow. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace and prosperity.

To see calm, clear water in your dream, signifies that you are in tune with your spirituality. It denotes serenity, peace of mind, and rejuvenation.

To see a waterfall in your dream, is symbolic of letting go.  You are releasing all those pent up emotions and negative feelings. The dream may also represent your goals and desires. In particular, if the waterfall is clear, then it represents revitalization, regeneration and renewal.

To dream that you are at the bottom of the waterfall, suggests that you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. You are experiencing difficulties in coping with your feelings.

To see a tunnel in your dream, represents the vagina, womb, and birth. Thus it may refer to a need for security and nurturance.

To dream that you are going through a tunnel, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective.

To see stars in your dream, symbolize success, your aspirations and your high ideals. The stars indicate that you are putting some decision in the hands of fate and luck. Alternatively, the stars may signify your desire for fame and fortune.

To see a constellation in your dream, indicates that something in your life is coming together in a complex way. It represents a mental process. Consider what the constellation is depicting.

To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.

To dream that you are free-falling through water, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. You may feel that it is easier to give up, then to try to stay afloat or prevent yourself from going under.

To dream that you are floating on a raft, suggests that you are drifting through life, not knowing where you are headed. You are confused about your purpose and direction in life.

To dream that you or something is sinking, suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed and that someone or something is pulling your down. You may be experiencing lowered self-esteem and confidence. Alternatively, some important and significant stage in your life may be coming to an end. Consider what is sinking and its significance.

To dream that you are walking or moving backward, signifies that what you are doing may be counter-productive. What you are seeking in life appears to be moving away from you. Thus you may be feeling a sense of failure or believe that you are unable to achieve your goals and aspirations. On the other hand, moving backward in your dream may symbolize that you should back off or retreat in a situation you may be facing in your waking life.

Amazing.

my 2008 blessing

soooo. it was bound to happen. random shit while on tour. It began innocent enough but then while exiting an apartment, this lady asks me – do you mind if I bless this apartment?

Ok. whatever. do what you do.

So I step out in the hallway, respecting whatever’s going on.

Not a minute later & after laid up face down in the carpet (um yuk), she comes out & wants to bless me as well. Hold up. I don’t know what kind of vodoo shit goes on in the world. Is this chick fo real? I don’t know – I guess I expect the best out of life & love so I allow her to do her thing.

Soooo. she proceeds to tell me that God told her that I’m too stressed, need to relax, store too much anxiety in my stomach and my marriage is going to be alright.

I reply (almost justified that I’m right & she’s a crazy) that I’m not married. Well, she says, he’s matching you up this year with your future husband.

I really think there’s issues when I want to just cry my eyes out recalling this story so who knows the truth in the matter but shit. I don’t know what to think when this goes down. So let’s see what this year holds right?

we’re all at fault

I guess the time is not right..

monday morning meetings – don’t hate

It’s so tempting to just free write vs. take minutes. stupid secretarial-type b.s. right? any-ways.. shit gets accomplished right? AND it’s my damn FRIDAY-peace!!

but alas, lemme scream into my finger types for a minute.

wait, I forgot what I was going to say. ADD. stroke victim extrodinaire. YOU know. I just wish I could tell you all where it all began. honestly & truly. without the plagerism & faux-creative writes, fake ass interests & mights.

..so I’m listening to some underground hip-hop (is that what the class is called?) well, whathave. totally reminds me of girlscout camp & fn’ skin so soft. I’m sure this kid would flip twice if I told him – haha! err. maybe I was just that cool 10 yrs ago?! yea, maybe.

::sigh:: It’s been a breath and a half. Ever think you circle life around like makos? I mean, really? Last night, I cried my eyes out till my heart was sore & then some today. Swam around those pieces and swallowed them whole. Or perhaps– it’s just that my heart beats to another sweet beat. Past lives & loves, baby.

Dude, I must’ve fucked w/ the WRONG person or killed like 1000 butterflies to deserve this shit. Or maybe this is the battle to be had– before the glory land. Please, give me some sight. I’m spinning & swirling blind. Only thing keeping me straight (& no, not the finger to the wheel against that white line..) is my faith. In what? TBD..

I could get eaten by the world

angled loves and philosophical meanderings like atmospheric charges into the night drifting further beyond wasting lullabies just over the rooftops into a bubblegum’ed world of sanity – comforting shields of well thought prayers quietly hanging above an angelic mind of clicking alien communication halted by a scream in the dead of dawn the wake of pressure to exchange the fears of murder and unknown attacks sinking silently into the pillowtops into the realm of sun streaming through trees and why couldn’t you see me looking for you through the marketplace, into the tent reflecting that calm image of hope i saw it and what did that make me do but question the very foundation of life by teetering one foot in front of the other devilishly taunting and guiltily admitting that it was not the life worth nor the effort put that made the difference in representing or fading it was the way it was planned to be until it was me, it was ME who made the choice to move to create to discover and it was me who chose the less traveled but alas, it brought me to you and i’m here somehow star selfishly struck stupid and alone it took years for the making and seconds for the taking when all i wanted to do was pathfind that spot beyond my grandparents’ fence into those cool damp woods, cross that stream and rest under the roots of that tree. i want to revere into the silence of my wildest, sweetest musical dreams.

hey, homeless garbage pickers need love too

so you see them all the time. the weather is getting springy-er, the fountains will be turned on soon (with an exception of Glen Ellyn’s – those sly f’s.. where are the bums if there is no free water? Luxury/”safety” has a price you know). Please. No mention of human rights..

wanderlust at it’s finest & worst. is it?

I guess some individuals take their station in life to heart. Chosen or not. Continued or halted. There are some people who make a living picking up our recyclables: cans, bottles, plastic rings before the little duckies take hold. You see these people & you judge their lifestyle.

But it is you throwing your garbage to the streets. Tossing your instant gratification to the curb. Hell, perhaps you are tossing your favorite daily drink you’ve loved for years. and for what? you can make all the excuses in the world. you can lie & act glib till you are blue in the face. but at the end of the night when you fall asleep, perhaps that little voice in your heart will be heard – that you are in the wrong & you have the power to do something about it.

Now, whether that means: ditch the flavor of the week, realize you are a slave to that temporary addiction, properly dispose of your baggage in the form of trash, SYMPATHIZE with those who are less fortunate at the moment or realize the value of your environment & everything that encompasses it.. is up to you.

Unless those cans you are tossing are alcoholic in nature. In which case, you are probably too irrational to comprehend your doings. Hey, the bright side of that is the homeless individuals who are picking up your shit are doing everything they can to cash that 5 cents in to become oblivious as well. So I guess it works out?

Anyways, it is what you want it to be, material-wise. That’s the beauty of words soaring through your imagination/reality (dirka dirka).

post script: Aug. 6th was for YOU – I just hadn’t met you yet.

three minutes of contradictions & meaningless juxtapositions

ironically enough & as part of my weaning off myspace therapy, I convince myself daily that I am in no REAL need of that useless counter-productive nonsense by perusing profiles and posts, the occasional email from long-lost tangible friends, the shallowness of prioritizing “top friends” (while trying hard not to confuse self-worth and status with this e-blacksheep flock list) and all the latest and greatest news shared directly to my space or not.

::sigh::

at any rate, my big eyes scanned across a site worth mentioning: www.muxtape.com

the hook being: a simple way to create and share mp3 mixtapes

be still my heart! everyone knows a well-thought and arranged musical selection could be the make & break of friendships! not quite break because certainly the effort is worth just the same. “and not more?” you ask. I’m convinced not.

take Hello Goodbye for example (the song, not the indie power-pop group for god’s sake). While Lennon had grandeur endeavors for “I Am the Walrus” and no doubt felt the bruise of his ego punched on the B-side, it was the more commercial of the songs that prevailed. Especially within the mass of the American people (which as demonstrated time & time again is easily swayed by one calculated marketing plan to manipulate social-poli-pop-culture. Oddly enough and to prove that point, it is the current theme song for Target commercials). Regardless, the Beatles are timeless, so no slight on them..

it is just the fact of the matter that although equal efforts were made of Lennon & McCarthy & Martin, it was the will of that beasty called control. you see, at that point, it wasn’t about the music per se. It was about the fact that he felt some of his most innovative pieces were wrongfully placed on the B-side. Eventually this feeling of lack of consideration and appreciation led to the disband. And let’s face it, maturity to compromise was lacking. Thank god for the invention of the CD huh! there is no “B-side.” the only hitch in that matter is that the circle is round, it has no end..

Did any of that discredit his abilities? certainly not & to quote: “The answer to everything is simple.. If you have black you have to have white. That’s the amazing thing about life.”

its really all apart of the journey. a disconnected one at times – it’s mostly similar to the wooden planks on rail tracks down the street. here & there a rusty piece of steel needs to be replaced and the backup/confusion of switching tracks is a bitch but all in all, it gets you where you need to go, peacefully.

so make the most of your magical mystery tour.

10 commandments of communication

1. Listen generously. Emerson said: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.” How do you listen to an audience? Do your research. Find out who they are, what they need and want, and what they expect from you. When you step to the lectern, pause and listen. Are they ready to hear you? During your speech, keep listening. Pay attention to them. Are they leaning forward, backward or on each other? Be willing to depart from your prepared remarks to recover your rapport with them. Ask questions. Even something as simple as “Is that clear?” can reestablish contact.
2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Aren’t these two phrases the same? No indeed: “Say what you mean” is about telling the truth, “Mean what you say” is about making a commitment, keeping your promise, honoring your word. Have something meaningful to say. Step to the lectern with the intention of making a difference to your audience.
3. Use the fewest words with the fewest syllables. I run afoul of this one all the time. It’s the main reason I rewrite so often, looking for big, two-dollar words I can swap for a single 10-cent syllable. Delete therefore, insert so. That’s real economy in writing. Remember that the basic unit of communication is not the word but the idea.
4. Align with your audience. We may consider it our task to speak to the audience, but it is sometimes more important to speak for them. Express those thoughts and feelings that you share with them. Even if you think they are wrong and you are the advocate of sweeping change, you must first understand and articulate their feelings. Great leaders know that leadership begins with the pronoun we.
5. Be specific. Use stories, anecdotes, parables and examples rather than generalities and abstractions. This is a tough one for some people. They love to wander through a topic in the abstract, scattering generalities as they go. The great teachers and speakers pepper their talks with vivid, detailed examples. “He seemed upset as he left” is general. “He blew his nose, kicked the dog and slammed the door” is specific.
6. Suit the action to the word, the word to the action. Don’t say “I’m glad to be here” while looking at your wristwatch. Be aware of your non-verbal communication. Your gestures, posture, facial expressions, energy, tone of voice, and a thousand other tiny, unuttered elements actually carry the true and specific meaning of your communication. We can understand the words “I love you” well enough. But their true importance, their actual meaning, is all wrapped up in how they are spoken, and by whom.
7. Structure your speech. One valuable way to make your talk memorable is to speak to a structure and make your listeners aware of it. Share with them the form of your thoughts as well as the content and they will be able to follow more complex ideas. It will be easier for you to remember, too. People appreciate the scenery more with a glance at the road map every now and then.
8. Speak to be understood. Have the courtesy to develop your voice so that all may hear you. You groom your appearance, so why not cultivate your voice? With a little effort it can be strong, crisp, clear and various in texture, color and range. It’s sad when speakers expend their energy to create a vivid, well-constructed talk and then whisper, mutter or mumble.
9. Speak for the benefit of others. Serve your audience well by keeping their interests foremost in your mind. This is the golden rule of speaking. As an audience member you can easily tell when a speaker is self-serving. Nothing communicates more clearly than intention.
10. Speak from your highest self. The highest self is where hope resides. To lead effectively requires a courageous, positive, optimistic view. As any astronaut will tell you, if you get high enough you will be in perpetual sunshine. There must be a caveat attached to this rule, however: Beware of elevating yourself with a high horse. Be humble. Having an opinion is a meager accomplishment. On most occasions a modest demeanor improves communication.

*****************

I’ve been researching effective communication lately because, to be frank, I would like to connect with others more effectively. Perhaps that appears lame & pressed to some but it truly disturbs me that 1. sometimes I cannot freely speak my mind/opinion without resentment or backlash & 2. people sometimes feel uncomfortable by my words/actions.

In the past, I may have attributed this to a mob-mentality thought process. Stray from the herd & get abandoned. I considered negativity towards unconventional ideas a defense mechanism & ultimately, a power struggle to the one who takes that first lick of fresh water, that first bite of a fresh kill or the fluffiest spot to rest your head at the end of the night. Is life really nothing more than a shallow popularity contest? As of late, I have no desire to pinpoint the whys of the matter, I’m more interested in peace. Perhaps a conforming thought opens the door to peace? Or perhaps it is the communication of that thought that really is the lock & key.

Regardless, I do not take it much to heart because I do realize everyone is different, has their own experiences to shape life, etc etc.. I am simply hoping for understanding & middle ground, not to force myself/thoughts by any means. To anyone who truly knows me, that is not what I am about. And while I understand myself to the gritty, I would like to open my heart to listen more to others. “Say what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean.” Thanks mom.

words from a wise & dear old friend

I found this email from back in the day. Florida days. She kept me in check & in balance – I was flighty & idealistic, bordering unrealistic, unfaltered by life because life wasn’t dealt with, properly atleast. I do miss her dearly & do so deeply regret our parting. And I suppose she wasn’t damning me at all, but I do finally understand..

*****

I feel sort of funny today, nervous…Like something is coming. This man in
the mall a couple of days ago was whistling this really old song, that I know
nobody my age would ever know, because the song came out before my Mom was
born.  But I recognized it and there is a story behind that song in my mom’s
family. This old man just started whistling it and I got chills as if
something wasn’t right. Maybe I just know too many damn songs and that’s my
problem. But today feels different. Like I’ve had this feeling before. I
don’t know… I better change the subject before I worry myself to pieces
here. Maybe it’s withdrawal symptoms! hehe But anyway…are you going to the
graduation thingy. I don’t know about you but I say Kennedy? Kennedy who? He
was a president and only that! I truly feel nothing Amy. If a bitch I may
sound it is only because I’ve been frustrated and suffocated by many things.
I made a promise to myself last night is the on my way into work that I would
never waste my time on things or people that won’t benefit or compliment me
as a person. I have enough to worry about. Sandy is right, why bother when
nobody cares, why should I be so considerate. Too bad I’ve been pitching that
for years and I still can’t act like a bitch to the general public. My mother
always taught us to respect everyone no matter how horrible. I in turn will
teach my daughter that respect should be given to those who deserve it
because they’ve earned it. Not to be cordial just because it is expected from
the weak. You can’t build your character off others. I just feel as though I
come in contact with stupid people all day. I lost faith in humanity like two
years ago and I still stand by it no matter how hard I try to bend with the
remover. I’m not sure if you are understanding all this, but I know one day
you will. I’m not damning you or anything so don’t worry. I just have issues
because in my life I’ve always expected more from people. I never demanded
anything that was not deserved or trite. So I was let down and shut down. Now
I know I don’t owe anybody anything and vise versa. I might have lost a
couple of parts of myself along the way in life but I’m still here….

“A life without foundation, is no life at all”

last night’s dream

Usually I forget my dreams within hours of waking. Sometimes a few slip through my memory vault. By some unconscience effort, I’ve retained this:

I was feeling worried. Near panicked. I was about to die. The specifics of my surroundings weren’t clear but I do know Andy & I were speaking. Was he going to die too? Were these our final words?

As if I were thinking within my dream or being spoken to, I hear a thread fly through my head, easing my emotions. “It’s okay if you die. You’ll float into peacefulness & be reborn in a minute. You can find it again.”

And then I woke up. Cozy & relaxed. Until I realized what a fucked dream that was! I’ll have to decode this later. Ok, back to laundry..