The cartoon network isn’t doing shit for me

I’ve been so restless lately. It seems that I’ve developed a new fear of sleeping, kinda.

1. My dreams are f’ing with my head – from getting raped in a pool to building a shelter for buluga whales to my mom shooting up heroin to listening to the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard..

2. I can’t get comfortable. The hammer is digging into my back & the bed squeaks each time I turn. My pillows aren’t comfortable anymore, one of them stabs me with the edge of the feathers. I feel every one of the cheap Ikea panels. It’s too cold in my room, which leads me to..

3. I have a fear of cold air when I sleep. Specifically, a time when I was woken up from the dead of sleep and my body was paralyzed. What is that called? Lucid dreaming? Cold air was blowing on my neck (even though I always cover my neck with the sheets). I opened my eyes slightly and saw the word HELL on the wall (about 3 or 4 ft tall), lit up in the middle of the night. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t call for anyone, I couldn’t reach the edge of the couch to pull myself off and out of that. Which leads me to..

4. A time when I was napping at my mom’s old house in Florida. I was sleeping at the foot of the bed, on my left side. Each time I awoke from one of my catnaps, I would look for the cloud in the shape of a horse in my brother’s Korn follow the leader poster. This one afternoon, I woke up and didn’t see it immediately. (I don’t know why I feel this is so significant but..anyways) I open my eyes and see this grim reaper, executioner looking man sitting by my feet, at the end of the bed. I couldn’t see the face. My body was frozen in fear – once again, I couldn’t scream, I tried SO hard – even though I could hear everyone in the other room – they were so close. I closed my eyes and opened them. It was still there. At that point, I started singing songs from church when I was like 10 and moments later just said “fuck you” in my head. At that point (and I swear to you this happened) my body slowly started moving to straighten out from my curled position, my right arm was slowly raising above my head as if I were going to get pinned. Then it stopped. I cried to my mom and didn’t sleep in there again. Which leads me to..

5. I found out the other day that my half-brother saw the same thing. He was in his room and this thing, whatever, was walking in the hallway between both of those rooms. He was also frozen in fear and thought, “what the hell?!” I never told him about it. Nobody did. It was real. He described it the very same way. It wasn’t just me, hallucinating.

And this scares me. This is what makes my heart beat out of my chest and worries me that if I peak just 2 inches over my blanket at night, that something will be staring back at me.

I’m too old to be scared of the boogey man but boy, do I hate sleeping alone.