words from a wise & dear old friend

18 January, 2008

I found this email from back in the day. Florida days. She kept me in check & in balance – I was flighty & idealistic, bordering unrealistic, unfaltered by life because life wasn’t dealt with, properly atleast. I do miss her dearly & do so deeply regret our parting. And I suppose she wasn’t damning me at all, but I do finally understand..

*****

I feel sort of funny today, nervous…Like something is coming. This man in
the mall a couple of days ago was whistling this really old song, that I know
nobody my age would ever know, because the song came out before my Mom was
born. But I recognized it and there is a story behind that song in my mom’s
family. This old man just started whistling it and I got chills as if
something wasn’t right. Maybe I just know too many damn songs and that’s my
problem. But today feels different. Like I’ve had this feeling before. I
don’t know… I better change the subject before I worry myself to pieces
here. Maybe it’s withdrawal symptoms! hehe But anyway…are you going to the
graduation thingy. I don’t know about you but I say Kennedy? Kennedy who? He
was a president and only that! I truly feel nothing Amy. If a bitch I may
sound it is only because I’ve been frustrated and suffocated by many things.
I made a promise to myself last night is the on my way into work that I would
never waste my time on things or people that won’t benefit or compliment me
as a person. I have enough to worry about. Sandy is right, why bother when
nobody cares, why should I be so considerate. Too bad I’ve been pitching that
for years and I still can’t act like a bitch to the general public. My mother
always taught us to respect everyone no matter how horrible. I in turn will
teach my daughter that respect should be given to those who deserve it
because they’ve earned it. Not to be cordial just because it is expected from
the weak. You can’t build your character off others. I just feel as though I
come in contact with stupid people all day. I lost faith in humanity like two
years ago and I still stand by it no matter how hard I try to bend with the
remover. I’m not sure if you are understanding all this, but I know one day
you will. I’m not damning you or anything so don’t worry. I just have issues
because in my life I’ve always expected more from people. I never demanded
anything that was not deserved or trite. So I was let down and shut down. Now
I know I don’t owe anybody anything and vise versa. I might have lost a
couple of parts of myself along the way in life but I’m still here….